Motivation from within is best for your child - Times of india - Sat - 29th may 2010 Ian Faria explains how you can motivate your child to excel in these competitive times Everyone wants to do well in life. And everyone wants their children to do even better. So how do you motivate your children to excel? There are two types of motivations - internal and external.When a child studies or participates in an activity because he likes it, he is using his internal motivation. A child who has to be coaxed with a reward is externally motivated. Internal motivation is the ideal situation. Sometimes, you have to use external motivation and help the child understand how he can develop internal motivation so that the external form is no longer required. Often, parents fail to understand that their child may have a totally different personality than theirs. So what motivates the parent may entirely put off the child. Be observant, and ask questions. You will soon know exactly what motivates your child. Lead by example Actions speak louder than words. Children may or may not do what you tell them to, but they will invariably model your behaviour. One becomes more like his parents than anyone else. If you want your children to do well, you should do well first, and then let them know you are doing well. The best way to teach is by example, and not through orders. Examples are imbibed sub-consciously. Instructions are logically evaluated, and hence could be negated. A dominant approach to parenting is counter-productive in the long term. Help them choose When you offer your child choices, and let him decide, he often does what is best for him. For example, instead of saying, "I want you to do your homework now",try saying,"Would you like to do your homework now, or would you like to have a snack first and then do your homework"? Children who are given choices understand that they are being treated fairly,and invariably do what is best for them. Explain ‘why’ Very few parents think that it is necessary to explain things to their children. They were used to hearing instructions from their parents, and turned out okay. But that may work in an entirely negative way with your children. Explaining why they need to study hard, or do their chores, and then encouraging them to complete the task within a timeframe, is a skill that has to be developed. Let them ‘eavesdrop’ Children most often remember more about what they are not supposed to hear because they are intently focused on hearing every word. So, when you are discussing something and you know your child may be trying to hear you, while pretending to be engrossed with something else, use this time to talk about how impressed you are with the way someone else does something, and your child will pick up the point, and use the learning positively in his own life in future. However, this should be done subtly and not more than a few times. If they figure out your 'devious' intentions, they will ensure that they do the opposite. So, this is a risky technique that you may not want to employ too often. Use positive language Tell them what you want, share what you expect, and lay down the boundaries. But whatever you do, do not threaten, blackmail, or compare children. That causes mental scars. Positive motivation is always a better, more effective option. A child is smart enough to figure out what the consequences of failure are, but talking about it only gives failure a better chance to work. Saying, "Don't fail" is more likely to cause failure than, "Do well". Ian Faria. (The author is a corporate trainer, motivational speaker, counselor and consultant who specializes in Organizational and Personal Enhancement). faria@a-pep.com